Okay, so I wasn’t exactly dead, but I definitely felt like it for the past few days. What started out as allergies and exhaustion quickly morphed into a summer cold. I’ve been too sickly to do much of anything besides go to work, and I have been in one heck of a terrible mood! People (and things) are seriously getting on my nerves. Since I can’t think of anything nice to say, I thought I’d bore entertain you with my bitchy thoughts in the form of letters I’ll never send!
Dear Lifetouch Photography:
I don’t appreciate the new trend of forcing parents to pay for school photos before we even see them. While I know most parents will buy anything with their child’s face on it, I’m an honest parent who knows sometimes my kid looks a little….special in pictures. Of course that’s partially because your photographers aren’t even trained to wait until the kid is, you know, LOOKING at the camera and not sneezing to push the button. $27 is a lot to prepay for photos that may be better suited for one of those donation jars at the gas station. Is it too much to ask that you take the damn picture, send home a proof (or, better yet, email it to me), and let me decide if it’s worth the money first? And please use my money to purchase some new backgrounds - I’m sick of seeing my kid in what looks like an 80s music video.
Love, Andrea
Dear Guy Who Took Me to Lunch:
You had a lot of potential. We have tons in common and you were pretty cool when we talked on the phone. I even enjoyed my lunch and your insistence on paying for it. But the fact is, I have a hard time taking a guy seriously when he says he misses me TWO HOURS after we meet for the first time. And the badly-written poem about how you’ll spend forever waiting for me to trust you? Maybe that works for 14 year olds, but I’m a grown ass woman and I forwarded that poem to like 50 of my friends so we could laugh. I have a career, a child, a home to maintain, and a life. I don’t have time to sit around texting and talking on the phone all day. I don’t know you well enough to miss you. There is no need to text me after I block you on Facebook to find out what happened. And you’re obviously desperate. Thank you for reminding me why I don’t bother dating.
Love, Andrea
Dear Comcast:
I applaud the sneaky way that you ended my promotion on August 1 and charged me the full amount after telling me I would keep the lower price through the month of August. I was carefully poised to intervene as soon as my promotions expired, but you made sure I wouldn’t be able to do so. I got an email from my bank yesterday letting me know that I paid you $89.20 for my cable and internet, and I sincerely hope you are proud of yourselves for ripping me off a month earlier than expected. Because next week I’m going to bring you my DVR and tell you what you can do with my cable service unless you give me another promotion AND an exact date when it will end. You may be in denial about the growth of services like Netflix and Hulu, but I’m not. Keep that in mind.
Love, Andrea
Dear Friends Who Are Now Hidden on Facebook:
- It’s “should have” or “should’ve,” not “should of.” So just stop it. You are a disgrace.
- If you don’t know how to use apostrophes, don’t use them. You do not ask “all mother’s to repost this” or make “taco’s” for dinner.
- You don’t “loose” a game of Monopoly; you “lose” it. And if you’re me, you lose it really badly as soon as possible because you hate Monopoly.
- No one watches the Youtube videos you post unless they are hilarious, perverted, or contain cats. Or some combination of the three. I don’t care if “Tear My Heart Open” by Papa Roach perfectly describes your life right now - just post the effing lyrics so it doesn’t take as long to scroll past it.
- I will not post anything as my status for one hour no matter how many times you personally request it. The soldiers, sick people, and even Jesus are not going to benefit from my Facebook status. When I care about someone, I show them instead of thinking I can change the world through annoying others.
- I don’t need to know everything you do. “Just woke up and taking my morning dump!” “Driving to work!” “Just got to work!” “Ugh work is so boring!” “Eating lunch then going back to work!” “Waiting for time to go home!” “Driving home!” “Cooking dinner!” IT GETS OLD.
Love, Andrea
I could keep going, but I feel slightly better now that I’ve purged some of my inner rage. Plus I don’t want you guys to think I’m completely nuts. I have a feeling, though, that I’m not the only one who composes unsent letters in my head from time to time.
Is there a letter you’d like to write and not send? Leave it in the comments!
