People get here through weird searches all the time. Usually, I can figure out how the searches relate to one of my posts, even if the query itself doesn’t make a lot of sense. But sometimes? I can’t figure out what in the world the searcher could have been thinking, much less why his/her search would have led them here.

Case in Point: Gynecological Wonders of the World

Now I know I’ve written about all kinds of topics, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never discussed my nether regions (or anyone else’s). I’m thankful that, so far in my life, my lady bits have had nothing whatsoever to do with my finances. Yet someone clicked through last week after googling “why is my vagina so slow?”

Okay. I have a lot of questions about this search.

Do vaginas have variable speeds? If so, my parents took the cheapskate route because I just got the base model with one speed. BORING!

How does one determine how fast or slow a vagina is? Is this judged by how long it takes to give birth? How long it takes to achieve sexual satisfaction? Or is there some other variable I’m not thinking of?

Are there ways to speed up a slow vagina? Can you change out the batteries or something? Are there licensed repairmen to take care of these issues? How much is the maintenance package?

How do women cope with the knowledge that they have a slow vagina? Are there support groups?

Was the person disappointed when they arrived here and found nothing related to vagina speeds? (If so, this post is for you, little lady.)

It Doesn’t Stop There

I wish I could say that was the only weird search term I’d ever seen, but I’d be lying. It’s definitely in the top 10 for WTF value, but there are plenty of other crazy searches that bring people here.

am i making a mistake taking social work - I guess it depends on where you’re taking it. Social work doesn’t make the best dinner date. Now if you’re talking about majoring in social work, I’ll just tell you that I think it’s a mistake, from my experience. After seven jobs with five different companies, I’ve learned that many people who work in the social services/mental health field are batshit crazy. Including every supervisor I’ve ever had. And you don’t make enough money to make your student loan payments. If you want details about this, email me and I’ll be glad to expound on the evils of social work - not the profession itself, but the available jobs.

andrea sweatpants sizing - I’m a fan of sweatpants. I wear a medium. I really need to get a PO box so people can send me things like this, since they’re obviously so interested in what I’m wearing.

consequences of keeping wrongly delivered fedex package - I KNEW IT! The jerk who stole my Nielsen scanner, leading the Nielsen people to harass me and call me a liar, is taunting me by leaving subtle clues in my site stats. I WILL FIND YOU, AND YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

don’t understand why someone would stay single - Oh, so you’re one of those girls or guys who can’t be alone? A person who stays in bad relationships just so you have someone there to use the last of the toothpaste? Yeah, have fun with that.

grandma laughs and tidbits - Um, what? I know I was a teenage mom and I’m from Kentucky, but somehow I’ve made it to the age of 28 without becoming a grandma. *knocks on wood* Good thing Jay is a nerd.

how much would my paycheck be if i made 42 an hour - If your job is anything like mine, probably not enough to buy groceries. Good luck with that.

olive garden worker spoon in butt - Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I don’t even have a response. Pretty sure I have never blogged about that topic.

why can’t i meet a douchebag - OMG! Finally, one I can help with! Here you go! You’re welcome.

What Does it all Mean?

First of all, people are strange. And they search for strange things on the internet.

Second, while I’m a huge fan of Google, it doesn’t always know what to do with weird search strings. Apparently all crazy random searches get sent here. And while that’s okay, because I love new minions readers, I’d rather get people who are actually looking for something I’ve got. I won’t bore you with a bunch of blog jargon, but basically I need to take additional steps to help Google understand what my posts are about.

Third, I still really want some answers to my questions about slow vaginas. But I’m scared to search because the results will probably be porn.